Laura ROCKS

Laura just got back from a trip to New York where she bought me the most fantastic present EVER. It is fridge magnet that is about the size of my head and has the original Saturday Night Live cast on it. Yes, my fridge is now adorned with;

- Beldar, Primat and Conjaab Conehead
- The Super Bass-o-matic 76 guy
- One of the Two Wild and Crazy Guys
- Jane the Ignorant Slut
- The Samurai convenience store clerk
- The Killer Bee
- Garrett Morris for the Hearing Impaired
- Roseanne Roseannadana
- Bill Murray's lounge singer

It makes me so happy.



Sometimes I worry about myself.

I Am So Right. No One Is As Right As Me.

The support for my point of view continues as letter flood into Metro headquarters. My sense of omniscience is growing with each new mailbag. Two more letter published today in support of ME. I don't have them scanned but am going to be sad enough to reproduce them here;

DICTION-SCARY: I agree with Barbar Rieder on people saying 'I was sat' instead of 'I was sitting' (Metro, Wed). This deterioration of the language has its roots in soap operas. It's a sad state of affairs when foreigners speak better English than we do. D Highstalker, London W12

DICTION-LAIRY: How does Barbara like 'We was stood in the rain'? One better than 'I was stood in the rain', surely? Andrew Carlisle, London NW6

Now, how do I remove 'et' from the English language?

Affirmation

It is such a nice feeling to know that other people agree with your rants. Apparently, I moan about this subject enough for Derryth to actually cut out and scan this letter from the Metro for me.




OK, she did forget to mention the other part of this - the mixing of verbs 'I were sat' and 'We was sat' but that is being a bit picky.

It Really Is A Small World

If you don’t believe it, I had yet another example the day before yesterday. But before I explain, in case you are a disbeliever, let me recap;

 I am sure I have told you all the story of running into a guy that went the same high school as me in the Post Office in Richmond (a friend had actually written to me about him a couple of weeks earlier)
 At Derryth’s wedding in South Africa we met a friend of her Mom’s who used to live with a lady from PEI in Toronto. Angela found her once she got home.
 On Canada Day at the Maple Leaf in Covent Garden, I met a guy who went to school with a friend’s brother in Tyne Valley and a girl who went to school with my cousin Martha.
 While I was having a drink in an Irish bar in Copenhagen, I was stunned to hear a guy playing a Stan Rogers song. Turns out he was Irish and lived in Florida where he met some Newfie nurses who introduced him to Stan’s music.
 So, to the latest, I was on a conference call with a guy from DD in the US and he asked me where I am from. I said PEI and he told me his wife’s family was from PEI.

Who’s A Big Boy?

Jake is!

Do You Think It's Because I Was So Smug?

I made it through Friday the 13th unscathed, not that I am superstitious or anything. It was actually a pretty cool day. Had a nice lunch with a co-worker from South Africa, took in the Rodin exhibition at the Royal Academy, drinks after work with Sal and then dinner with Cat. I was very impressed. Saturday the 14th and Sunday the 15th - not so much. Got up at 7:15am on Saturday (me, awake before noon on a Saturday), went to Birmingham with Derryth, enjoyed her nephew's birthday party and Derryth managed to get us there and back with no problems. Came home, chilled for a bit and headed out to my a colleague's 50th. Got to the station and watched my train pull out. No problem, had a good book to help pass the 15 minute wait for the next train. Got to Clapham Junction, changed platforms next train came within 10 minutes. Cool. Arrive at Surbiton to change to the last train and find out there is no train. Instead there is a replacement bus service filled with very loud teenagers at the back (I am sooooooooo old). Finally make it to Walton on Thames, call a cab and arrive at the party almost 2 hours after I left my place. Party goes better than expected, meet some nice people, eat some cake. My boss and his wife very nicely offer to drive me home. The 2 hour journey there takes less than 20 minutes in reverse! I say my good byes and head up to the front door of the apartment building. Searching in my bag for my keys. Searching, searching, searching as a very clear memory of putting the keys down beside (not in) my purse comes to mind. Followed by an equally clear memory of picking up the purse and not the keys as I left. Luckily, Cat was home and let me stay at her place. Lesson learned? - copy your keys and give a set to someone who lives nearby so you don't have to pay approximately £20 per minute to a locksmith to open your door.

It's Probably Just Me

Have you ever watched Cold Case? If you have (and are as shallow as me), you may have wondered what Kathryn Morris could possibly have done to her hair and make-up people to have caused them to make her look like this? They make her face so pale it looks like she is dead then they add to horrible streaks of bright red blush and rub her lipstick so it looks like she had been punched in the mouth.



The reason I ask is that this evening on the Piccadilly Line, I saw a poster for Marie Antoinette starring Kirsten Dunst. At first, I wondered if she had pissed off the same people. But then I had more sinister thoughts and wondered if the Cold Case staff had gotten hold of some 1700's style lead based foundation.

I Don't Blame Him

Sally told me the best story the other day. I hope I can do it justice. A while ago, she was in Eastbourne visiting her sister and went with her to take her dog to the vet. As they were walking up to the office, they noticed a blind man and his guide dog walking up and down the block. By the time they reached the gate to enter the vet’s office, the man had walked up and down the block 4 or 5 times. Thinking, there must be a problem, they approached the man and asked if he needed help. He replied ‘Yes, I am trying to take my dog to the vet but he hates going so much he won’t take me in.’ The man had been walking back and forth on the block for 15 minutes before they spoke to him. He kept telling the dog to find the vet but the dog wouldn’t do it. They opened the gate and led the man in but the dog just dug his heels in and wouldn’t move.

Perspective or Reality?

Most things are a matter of opinion - one man's a-hole is another man's best friend. But, I am sorry, these guys cannot be anyone's best friends;

* The man in crowded Waterloo Station at rush hour who stopped dead at 8:30am to light a cigar.
* Mobile phone guy who was screaming into his phone after letting it ring at top volume for a full minute with some obnoxious techo music ringtone in the signposted quiet area of the crowded train.
* The man with the very small penis driving the large motorcycle that cut me off, then weaved through traffic and got to the red light 15 seconds before me.

I don't think it is me. I think these people are walking sphincters but I could be wrong?

Ssssssssshh, Don't Tell Anyone

I think I may have accidentally stumbled on the key to a pleasant trip to Ikea! As weird as it seems, I may have actually done it and it does not involve plutonium or DeLoreans or the space time continum. Laura and I went last night and had no trouble at all. It was actually fun. What is the secret you ask? Why are you not ranting about crowds or children (well at one point Laura did actually mention her 'children should be outlawed' theory) or people stopping dead in the middle of the overly crowded single path to look at plastic clippy things with names like 'gafterkuken' or 'fdren'? I can't believe it is this easy but it is - we went at night. In a very non UK move, Ikea is open until Midnight. As no one in the UK believes that there is a store that is open after 5:00pm, we shopped til we dropped with little hassle. Well, except for the usual the shelf unit I wanted comes in two parts and they only had one so I have to go back on Friday with Sally. Let's see how I feel then.

Vroom Vroom

Sorry I haven't checked in in a while. I have been totally obsessed with driving Sally's parent's car every second I can before I have to give it back. Man, I forgot how much I love having a car. For those of you who were not with me on the journeys;

Highlights
* Seeing 'my house' in the Cotswolds
* Asda (Wal-Mart in the UK)
* Road rage - I am so good at it
* FREEDOM

Lowlights
* Buying gas - it is SOOOO expensive
* All the other drivers. I deserve my own lane.
* Killing a bunny - total Frogger moment